


Then and Now

by Mindlessselfindulgence



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, M/M, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-26
Updated: 2016-05-26
Packaged: 2018-07-10 08:46:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6976135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mindlessselfindulgence/pseuds/Mindlessselfindulgence
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The ramblings of a mad and empty man. A life spent obsessing and regretting over the biggest mistake of Haruka's life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Then and Now

**Author's Note:**

> They meet differently and they end differently, that's the noncanon parts.

Still I am alone but I remember, once, an opportunity, glimmering, liberating, new. All in the form of a boy. So bright, so invigorating: like a defibrillator he recharged me and gave me a purpose; his lips, the kiss of life that brought me back.

Like a shadow I used to flit between classes, hovering, never really there. It was always so pointless you see. Pointless, repetitive, fruitless, unproductive, senseless, inane, futile. On and on and on, it went, always the same. 'Same and plain-ish', a teacher had once marked me. The window, like the gap in the prison gates, was my only connection to the other side. That and sleep, yet these means of escape were only disgustingly temporary.

But I remember when he entered my life. Like all significant events, it all began on an absolutely insignificant day. Thinking nothing of him, he sat by me and gave me a smile. A beautiful smile - I can still appreciate beauty, you know. Now, however, everything seems a little dimmer, a little less bright. Faded as if I'm looking at a photograph rather than living, experiencing. I am a mere observer.

Yet at the time I thought little of it, of this young boy who smiled with a hope that I had long lost. A boy with bright green eyes that betrayed a person who loved and appreciated the colours of life. I would never have payed attention to such a boy, so deluded, so hopeful. He could have had any one and he picked me. The depressingly meek and disillusioned child. We have always been so different. To this day I don't know what he saw in me but whatever it was it disappeared with him. How could I have known how he would invade my mind, my thoughts, my life - even my house covered in evidence of him, of us - and lastly, my heart. Painting it all green and brown, and tall and muscular, larger than life and smiling with crinkling, sparkling eyes. Sparkling, sparking, he sparked something within me, something I thought was gone and together we started a new chapter of my life. A happy life albeit rather dependent: endless hours I sat waiting for him. However cheesy it sounds I honestly believe he made me whole; when he wasn't there I felt like a flickering image, on the brink of fading away. Unhealthy one may claim, accuse, but it was my (our) life and the happiest I've ever been - ever will be. Where others pitied me he was intrigued and interested in me. Where others brushed me aside like lint on a dinner jacket he clung onto me. I clung onto him too, if only he had known.

Despite his powers to open me up, see through me even he could not open my lips. I've never been much of a talker, people think I'm simple or boring or rude or empty. That last one I cannot deny but my head is full and hectic with all the regrets and thoughts and feelings. Deafening, they become louder and louder - it has become unbearable - surrounded by bitterness, regret and frustration. Not that you would know looking at me (I used to feel it was my greatest skill, beside swimming, but ultimately it became my curse). For the real prison is inside me, a fortress letting nothing in or out. Fort Knox has nothing on me. He knew this, wanting my secrets as if they were a pearl trapped in a clam's claws. God knows why, the rambling of a lonely, ignorant (mad) man. Perhaps he wanted to know everything about me as I did him, or he craved the trust necessary to be granted access to the most private part of myself.

He had feelings for me. I am no fool, well not a complete one, and it was so obvious. And I wanted him. Yet I couldn't say it: back then, the mere idea set my heart racing and my breathing became shallow. He was like an infection, an addiction, I needed him, felt nauseous without him yet the idea of letting out what I'd kept hidden for so long was terrifying in a way I cannot put into words. With bitter irony I know he is no infection, he is the cure.

Like all significant events it all ended on an absolutely insignificant day. It was at the festival, alone and high above the rest we stood. We were not taking part in the celebrations. Instead we were talking, arguing about the one subject that jeopardised everything. I don't like change - he was the only exception, he always is - and the future loomed like a hooded figure preparing my execution. In fact it was me who stabbed myself with my own sword.The only certainty was him, I couldn't, wouldn't ever let him go. The pressure pressed against my throat, his beautiful eyes were full of sad emotions that clenched round my heart like his hand around my arm. And finally all those unspoken words crashed out, free and I gulped fresh air. But, but they were the wrong words!

"Let go!"

_No, no. Don't. Never let go. Never leave me._

And still he understood, he told me the truth and stood naked before me and bared the strong tides and fought for me. But the words wouldn't stop, I was drowning while he was getting washed away. 

"All you ever do is meddle with everyone!" 

_ That's not true, you help and protect: you're the hero in my life. I need you! I love you!  _

I can't believe I made him cry, the green of his shimmered but it was not beautiful they looked distorted and wrong. This was all wrong and it all hurt so much.  "Stop sticking your nose in other people's business." 

Then he let go and I found out there was something that was more terrifying than voicing my feelings. And then I heard my heart shatter and my life support was leaving. Like a fool I didn't follow him. Like I fool I didn't prove I would go any where for him. Alas I signed my death sentence, buried myself alive. Trapped and alone. 

So these are the thoughts and ramblings of a mad and empty man. The only piece of significance that ever passed through my pitiful life 

And my last breath devoted to him. _Makoto._

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, I enjoyed reading this and any criticisms and feedback is very helpful thanks.
> 
> I rewatched the festival scene in episode 11 of ES to find some angry words. I thought 'stop meddling' was a bit anticlimactic but just go w it...!


End file.
